The Highways Agency today announced that they were following TfL's example in their future road-planning. "What we realised" a Highways Agency spokesperson revealed "was that we were wasting a huge amount of time and effort when planning roads. Undertaking a study into TfL's approach to cycling infrastructure in London has revolutionised our method of road-planning". "Usually when planning new roads we make sure that they all connect together and have smooth surfaces, but this does take a bit of time and planning. Taking the same approach as TfL we can avoid all that messy business and just get on with the important task of holding press conferences telling people we've done something rather than actually doing it in the first place".
The engineer revealed the 6-step approach to road-planning.- Roads don't actually have to meet up
- It's not massively important to have any kind of appropriate road-surface
- Stuff doesn't have to be cleared out of the way before actually building a road
- Stuff can be put in the middle of the road after the roads are built
- Drivers should be appreciative that we're doing anything for them anyway!
- Signposts are for losers
"Well, the vehicles would have to get to the start of the road in the first place, which is in the middle of a field just outside the centre of a town. They'd then progress down a short stretch of dual-carriageway until it mysteriously turns into a single-carriage way then back into a dual-carriageway…sort of. The drivers would then need to get out and push the vehicle onto the grass verge to avoid two pylons in the middle of the lane before continuing their journey."
"It's enabled us to entirely do away with compulsory purchasing buildings now too as the road then simply winds around some old air-raid shelters and a pond with a shopping trolley thrown in it." An engineer added; "Yeah, that's well spooky, isn't it! How did somebody get a Sainsbury's shopping trolley all the way out there?".Plans continued with the final part of the new infrastructure; "The vehicles will then continue down the single-and-a-bit-more-carriageway until they all appear in an old, abandoned open-cast mine where all the road-markings would mysteriously vanish". At this point an engineer added; "Then they all have to fend for themselves really, we've provided the road, it's up to drivers to use it properly!.TfL are said to have responded; "Nice one, it takes the pressure of us, for deffo!".Photo by Adam Melancon used under Creative Commons licensing.