Wheels, Pedals, Person

The Highways Agency today announced that they were following TfL's example in their future road-planning. "What we realised" a Highways Agency spokesperson revealed "was that we were wasting a huge amount of time and effort when planning roads. Undertaking a study into TfL's approach to cycling infrastructure in London has revolutionised our method of road-planning". "Usually when planning new roads we make sure that they all connect together and have smooth surfaces, but this does take a bit of time and planning. Taking the same approach as TfL we can avoid all that messy business and just get on with the important task of holding press conferences telling people we've done something rather than actually doing it in the first place".

The engineer revealed the 6-step approach to road-planning.

1. Roads don't actually have to meet up
2. It's not massively important to have any kind of appropriate road-surface
3. Stuff doesn't have to be cleared out of the way before actually building a road
4. Stuff can be put in the middle of the road after the roads are built
5. Drivers should be appreciative that we're doing anything for them anyway!
6. Signposts are for losers

Unveiling plans for the new B45678 from 'somewhere just outside of Basingstoke' to 'a bit further over, near-ish a Little Chef' planners explained how the infrastructure would work.

"Well, the vehicles would have to get to the start of the road in the first place, which is in the middle of a field just outside the centre of a town. They'd then progress down a short stretch of dual-carriageway until it mysteriously turns into a single-carriage way then back into a dual-carriageway…sort of. The drivers would then need to get out and push the vehicle onto the grass verge to avoid two pylons in the middle of the lane before continuing their journey."

"It's enabled us to entirely do away with compulsory purchasing buildings now too as the road then simply winds around some old air-raid shelters and a pond with a shopping trolley thrown in it." An engineer added; "Yeah, that's well spooky, isn't it! How did somebody get a Sainsbury's shopping trolley all the way out there?".

Plans continued with the final part of the new infrastructure; "The vehicles will then continue down the single-and-a-bit-more-carriageway until they all appear in an old, abandoned open-cast mine where all the road-markings would mysteriously vanish". At this point an engineer added; "Then they all have to fend for themselves really, we've provided the road, it's up to drivers to use it properly!.

TfL are said to have responded; "Nice one, it takes the pressure of us, for deffo!".

Photo by Adam Melancon used under Creative Commons licensing.

Peter Hendy, commissioner of TfL, today defended his £348,444 a year salary and announced measures to get more bicycles into London as part of their plans "...for a new cycling millennium".

"We realised that one person per bike wasn't going to achieve our targets. Being all too aware that we need much more commitment to more environmentally friendly forms of transport, we're pleased to announce TfL's new 'mass bicycle' scheme".

In response to TfL's latest safety reports Peter Hendy explained "Clearly cycling is dangerous in London so we had to come up with a new plan; one that would ensure the safety of cyclists and match up with our current vehicular-prioritised strategies around the capital city". He continued "What we're proposing is implementing a new solution our engineers are calling 'The Big Bicycle' whereby we can achieve our goal of getting more bicycles into the city, safely and without compromising our current road plans.

At a press conference today, TfL unveiled the 'The Big Bicycle':

"What we're suggesting", an engineer explained, "is that single-occupant cars would be fitted with a rack enabling the driver to carry up to three bicycles on-board the vehicle. So this would mean that for one single person three bicycles would be 'in use' on London's streets".

However later in the presentation the engineer did admit "To be honest, I'm not even sure what we're doing anymore. Was this about the Channel Tunnel?".

Photo by TouringCyclist used under Creative Commons licensing.

Responding to recent reports of "stuff what people reckon", the Women's Institute revealed today that their proposals to support mandatory wearing of helmets for cyclists may not have gone far enough.

"We realised" a spokesperson was quoted to have said "that just the wearing of bits of plastic on your head isn't enough. It's a dangerous business, Frodo, taking a bicycle through town. If you don't keep pedalling there's no knowing where you'll end up! Besides, we thought it prudent to get involved with other people's stuff more anyway". The spokesperson clarified plans; "We realised that some studies suggested that car drivers may actually drive closer to cyclists who wear helmets so we immediately put forth proposals to ensure that measures were put in place to enforce behaviour from cyclists that truly represents the clear and present danger when cycling gently to their local corner shops [breathes]".

"Our current proposals aren't that cyclists should wear helmets but for all two-wheeled bicycles to be henceforth banned and everybody that wishes to partake in this dangerous practice should be forced to ride a unicycle. Blindfolded. While juggling knives…maybe even on fire too!"

An instructor for Uncle Bobo's School for Circus Arts was said to have responded, "Oh, FFS…"

Photo by Tsar Kasim via Flickr under Creative Commons licensing.

Responding to recent reports on the true cost of painting some bits of road blue, danger-sceptic Boris Johnson today admitted he needed to "...pull something bloody special out of the bag". 

"Despite us creating these mega-highroad whatnots for cyclists, it's fair to say we dropped the ball a bit on this one" the mayor commented today. "I've been racking my brains for an idea for these brave cycling chaps - and whatever the female equivalent of chap is - and think we've cracked it". Estimates that currently suggest the Cycle Superhighways have cost between 2 and 4 million pounds per mile have prompted discussions at City Hall. Insiders report that Boris' nemesis Ken Livingstone was quoted to have said "F*ck me, I could have done it in Hammerite for a fraction of that!".

In an attempt to win back the public of London before the elections in May, Mr Johnson unveiled new plans for cycling infrastructure for London. "Given we've spent so much already I reckon we might as well go the whole hog" Mr Johnson explained. 

Estimated to be built at a cost of £4 billion and expected to be finished in 2037, TfL today announced the 'Cloud Tunnel', a network of interlinking tubes attached to rooftops around the London area. "We clearly needed some new ideas" explained an engineer "so when I saw my son's hamster cage, the idea hit me!". Displaying some Photoshopped images of London rooftops linked with brightly-coloured plastic tubing, TfL's engineers described how cyclists would be able to use the network to travel around London at 'near rodent-speed'. "We haven't yet worked out how they'd decend to street-level" an engineer added "probably by some kind of fireman's pole or maybe something like those little wire ramps you get in hamster cages".

The mayor confirmed that the project will be funded entirely from public money. "The funny thing is" he added "whenever we've had any 100% privately-funded projects in the past, they've ended up costing tax-payers loads anyway, so we're not even keeping up the pretense anymore".

Shares in Pets at Home are reputedly soaring due to expectations that TfL will purchase their entire stock of hamster-cage tubing in the coming weeks.

 

Photos from Jess J and cobalt123 used under Creative Commons licensing.

Emerging from a press conference about the new cable car over the Thames, bumbling whack-job Boris Johnson — carried away on the excitement of it all — announced further plans for London's transport infrastructure. Sponsored by Victoria Wines and dubbed the "Thames Free-flyer" Boris unveiled an idea he'd been working on '...during a late evening bender with some old chums from school'; a full-scale medieval trebuchet designed for 'Passenger transport for the 20th century'.

Award-winning design conglomerate 'Ittle-Knotwork' unveiled plans at the press conference amid speculation that the current Mayor of London 'might have finally lost it'. Quashing this opinion was a local Conservative Party MP who was quoted to have said "Hahaha, that's f*cking amazing!" before wandering off with two glasses of champagne.

The project's Chief Engineer, who declined to give his name, explained the mechanism; "The passenger, having bought what we're calling a 'boarding card', is loaded into the rear of the trebuchet before the mechanism is wound up and they're flung across, well mostly across, the Thames. Any luggage or belongings can be transported separately, dragged across using a rope we've strung from the railings next to the river".

Estimated to be complete in time for the Olympic Games, Mr Johnson hoped that "It will hammer home the point that London is a modern and innovative city, ready to face the 1990's with both barrels blazing!". When asked about budget, Boris confirmed that it would be 100% privately funded, although he did admit "We might have to borrow a bit for catering, because often it's just those small triangular sandwiches and that salad that nobody eats and there aren't even any Monster Munch!".

Caterers were unavailable for comment.

Photos from Jeremy73 and ckhowley under Creative Commons licensing.

The European Cyclists Federation report; Cycle More Often 2 Cool Down The Planet: Quantifying CO2 Savings of Cycling contains some interesting information, but I noticed that the cyclists featured on the front page of the report were not wearing the requisite headwear approved for such a dangerous activity as cycling through a park.

So, Photoshop at hand, I rectified this immedately and will submit the updated image to the federation for inclusion into their report.

Disaster averted...didn't want drivers to think we were all crazy or anything!